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Bush Press Conference Transcript, Part I
Transcript of President Bush's news conference on April 13,
2004.
Part 1.
Before I take your questions, let me [steal 17 or 18 minutes of prime time on the networks and news channels to campaign for myself]speak with the American people about the situation in Iraq.
This has been tough weeks in [my re-election campaign]that country. Coalition forces have encountered serious violence in some areas of Iraq [yeah, that''s right - "some" areas. Like Abraham Lincoln had a bullet in "some" areas of his brain-pan. Otherwise everything was hunky-dory]. Our military commanders report that this violence is being instigated by three groups. [Their names are Larry, Moe, and Curley.] Some remnants of Saddam Hussein's regime along with Islamic militants have attacked coalition forces in the city of Falluja. Terrorists from other countries have infiltrated Iraq to incite and organize attacks. [Despite everything you've heard, it's not a general uprising by an unprecendented alliance of Shia and Sunnis to kill Americans. Pay no attention to any press reports to the contrary.]
In the south of Iraq, coalition forces face riots and attacks that are being incited by a radical cleric named al-Sadr [or, as I like to pronounce it, "Saddam II"]. He has assembled some of his supporters into an illegal militia [hee hee - the guys at the NRA will love that one] and publicly supported the terrorists groups Hamas and Hezbollah [verbally. What the hell, anyone who actually knows how meaningless and universal that is in the Arab world isn't going to be voting for me anyway. Thank god for Diebold]. Al-Sadr's methods of violence and intimidation are widely repudiated by other Iraqi Shia. He's been indicted by Iraqi authorities for the murder of a prominent Shia cleric [see, he's just like Saddam! Really! Even though Saddam killed his father..whoops, I didn't say that out loud, did I? Whew.]. Although these instigations of violence come from different factions, they share common goals. They want to run us out of [Dodge]Iraq and [eat our babies and puppies. Funny how they never bothered us until we invaded and started killing them. Oopsie!] destroy the [oil profits of Haliburton] democratic hopes of the Iraqi people [who writes this shit?].
The violence we have seen is a power grab by these extreme and ruthless elements [: Uncle Dick, Dad, and Hallburton]. It's not a civil war. It's not a popular uprising. [Well, except in the dictionary sense of the word. Memo to self: have that Webster guy shipped to Guantanamo.] Most of Iraq is relatively stable [tectonically, that is. Man, the red-staters would piss themselves if they knew I knew a five-syllable word!]. Most Iraqis, by far, reject violence and oppose dictatorship [although what they have against Chalabi I'll never know]. In forums where Iraqis have met to discuss their political future and in all the proceedings of the Iraqi Governing Council, Iraqis have expressed clear commitments [against my new chosen dictator]. They want strong protections for individual rights, they want their independence and they want their freedom. [When did those towel-heads get so uppity? Who gave them all those ideas about freedom? Everything's going wrong.]
America's commitment to freedom in Iraq is consistent with our ideals [snicker] and required by [my]our [financial] interests. Iraq will either be a [oil-producing colony for our glorious new empire] peaceful democratic country or it will again be [yadda, yadda, yadda] a source of violence, a haven for terror and a threat to America and to the world. [And by "America" and "the world" I mean our wealthy oil-producing shiek buddies in Kuwait.]
By helping to secure a free Iraq, Americans serving in that country are protecting [my political ass and Uncle Dick's profits]their fellow citizens. Our nation is grateful to them all and to their families that face hardship and long separation [yadda, yadda, yadda]. This weekend at a Fort Hood hospital, I [had the balls to exploit some wounded saps who didn't have the smarts to have "other priorities". Man, I've got cojones like an elephant.] presented a Purple Heart to some of our wounded, had the honor of thanking them on behalf of all Americans. Other men and women have paid an even greater cost [which will be kept as secret as possible, of course. Photographers at Dover? I don't think so!]. Our nation honors the memory of those who have been killed, and [I pledge to wring every drop of political advantage I can our of their corpses.] we pray that their families will find God's comfort in the midst of their grief [if any of them are atheists, they're fucked]. As I've said to those who have lost loved ones: [The basic military casket is free, but if you want something made out of wood instead of plastic or cardboard, you're on your own.] We will finish the work of [establishing a one-party state in the USA] the fallen.
America's armed forces are performing brilliantly, with all the skill and honor we expect of them [if they expect to get their $3.95 per hour, that is]. We're constantly reviewing their needs [They have needs?]. Troop strength now and in the future is determined by the situation on the ground. If additional forces are needed, I will send them [Just like I'll send anyone over there to die if it gives me the slightest possible political advantage. You can bet your ass on that!]. If additional resources are needed, we will provide them [by running up the biggest deficit in the known universe. Memo to self: the rich need more tax cuts].
The people of our country are united behind our men and women in uniform [God, I love that about them. Keep them scared, get some of their children shot and they'll line up like sheep to be sheared]. And this government will do all that is necessary to assure the success of their historic [oil-looting, vote-gaining] mission. One central commitment of that mission is the transfer of a sovereignty back to the Iraqi people ['cause that's one hot potato I'm gonna hand off as quick as I can]. We have set a deadline of [five months before the election]June 30. It is important that we meet that deadline ['cause the media might eventually start mentioning the rising US casualty count]. As a proud and independent people, Iraqis do not support an indefinite occupation, and neither does America [We'll be there just until the last drop of oil is pumped out, and after that, we're gone]. We're not an imperial power, as nations such as Japan and Germany can attest [Because this thing of ours in Iraq is exactly the same as World War II. Exactly. And BOO-YA to me for stickin' it to the Germans!]. We're a liberating power, as nations in Europe and Asia can attest as well [or else, you garlic-eating bastards].
America's objective in Iraq is limited and it is firm [Oil. All of it.]. We seek an independent, free and secure Iraq [snicker]. Were the coalition to step back from the June 30 pledge, many Iraqis would question our intentions and feel their hopes betrayed [as opposed to merely wanting to kill us]. And those in Iraq who [aren't directly sucking cash from the US teat]trade in hatred and conspiracy theories would find a larger audience and gain a stronger hand. We will not step back from our pledge. On June 30, Iraqi sovereignty will be placed in Iraqi hands [And Achmed has promised that we'll have 90% of all oil profits]. Sovereignty involves more than a date and a ceremony. [It involves a US-installed puppet dictatorship, too.] It requires Iraqis to assume responsibility for their own future [of desperate poverty and exploitation].
Iraqi authorities are now confronting the security challenge of the last several weeks. [Our armed native thugs are looting and raping 24/7.] In Falluja, coalition forces have suspended offensive operations, allowing members of the Iraqi Governing Council and local leaders to work on the restoration of central authority in that city. [Translation: we're hunkering down and waiting for the shit to stop hitting the fan.] These leaders are communicating with the insurgents to ensure an orderly turnover of that city to Iraqi forces so that the resumption of military action does not become necessary. [Even I don't understand what that means.] They are also insisting that those who killed and mutilated four American contract workers be handed over for trial and punishment [or at least a quick bullet in the head. "Dead or Alive", I say, and dead can't try to say that they're innocent].
In addition, members of the Governing Council are seeking to resolve the situation in the south. Al-Sadr must answer the charges against him and disband his illegal militia. [HUSSEIN! HUSSEIN! HE'S JUST LIKE SADDAM HUSSEIN!!]
Our coalition is standing with [puppet-boy and his gang]responsible Iraqi leaders as they establish growing authority in their country [What did they used to say? "Power grows out of the barrel of a gun"?]. The transition to sovereignty requires that we demonstrate confidence in Iraqis. And we have that confidence. [Because Achmed promised Uncle Dick all the sweet, sweet crude he could ever want.] Many Iraqi leaders are showing great personal courage. And [we will kill them for that.] their example will bring out the same quality in others.
The transition to sovereignty also requires an atmosphere of security. And our coalition is working to provide that security. We will continue taking the greatest care to prevent [reporting on or counting] harm to innocent civilians [particularly towel-heads, 'cause really, who cares what happens to them?]. Yet we will not permit the spread of chaos and violence. [Dick says a little is good, but too much is bad for business.] I have directed our military commanders to make every preparation to use decisive force if necessary to [keep photographers away from Dover. They may shoot to kill, if necessary]maintain order and to protect our troops.
The nation of Iraq is moving toward self-rule. And Iraqis and Americans will see evidence in the months to come [in the form of lots and lots of casualties. That is, they would if only I would let them. Tee hee!]. On June 30 when the flag of free Iraq is raised, Iraqi officials will assume responsibility for the ministries of government specifically, the janitorial responsibilities]. On that day the transitional administrative law, including a bill of rights that is unprecedented in the Arab world [in that it will actually be written on the back of a bill from Halliburton and will contain no rights at all], will take full effect. The United States and all the nations of our coalition will establish normal diplomatic relations with the Iraqi government [in much the same way that I established normal "relations" (huh huh) with that 15-year-old Mexican hooker twenty years ago]. An American embassy will open and an American ambassador will be posted [I give him half a year, tops, before someone blows him away. Better appoint a Democrat. I'd send Joe Lieberman, but he's so much more valuable here].
According to the schedule already approved by the Governing Council, Iraq will hold elections for a national assembly [of warlords] no later than next January. That assembly will draft a new permanent constitution, which will be presented to the Iraqi people in a national referendum held in October of next year. [The referendum will be monitored by Katherine Harris and my good buddies at Diebold]. Iraqis will then elect a permanent government by Dec. 15, 2005, an event that will mark the completion of Iraq's transition from dictatorship to [new dictatorship]freedom.
Other nations and international institutions are stepping up to their responsibilities in building a free and secure Iraq. [Specifically, a tribe of seven guys and a monkey in East Buttplug. We promised them a shipload of bananas and a pair of shoes if they'd put the monkey in uniform and send him over to Iraq. And Don Rumsfeld is conducting promising negotiations with the Klingon Nation.] We're working closely with the United Nations envoy Lakhdar Brahimi and with Iraqis to determine the exact form of the government that will receive sovereignty on June 30 [two months is more than enough time to create a new government, after all]. The United Nations elections assistance team headed by Carina Pirelli is in Iraq developing plans for next January's election. NATO is providing support for the Polish-led multinational division in Iraq [and how many Poles does it take to screw a lightbulb, anyway? Heh.]. And 17 of NATO's 26 members are contributing forces to maintain security [at $200,000 in bribes per soldier. Man, those guys ain't cheap]. Secretary of State Powell and Secretary of State Rumsfeld and a number of NATO defense and foreign ministers are exploring a more formal role for NATO such as turning the Polish-led division into a NATO operation and giving NATO specific responsibilities for border control. [Or maybe just handing off all combat duties to NATO and getting our troops the hell out of there. But then I'd look weak. Can't have that! Wouldn't be prudent, as Dad would say.]
Iraqis' neighbors also have responsibilities to make their region more stable. So I'm sending Deputy Secretary of State Armitage to the Middle East to discuss with these nations our common interest in a free and independent Iraq and how they can help achieve this goal. [Hopefully somebody will blow his head off - that's what he's got coming to him after standing up for that traitor Dick Clarke.]
As we made clear all along, our commitment to the success and security of Iraq will not end on June 30 [After all, you can't end what you never started]. On July 1 and beyond, our [plundering]reconstruction assistance will continue and our military commitment will continue. Having helped Iraqis establish a new government, coalition military forces will help Iraqis to protect [Achmed] their government from [those damned uppity peasants. "Democracy" indeed!] external aggression and internal subversion.
The success of [our little spree]free government in Iraq is vital for many reasons. [Reason #1: Oil. Reason #2: Getting me re-elected. Reason #3: More oil. Reason #4: Wolfowitz and Pearl seem to have some sort of weird fixation on the subject. I swear, it looked like thos two were circle-jerking that time I went into their office without knocking.] A free Iraq is vital because 25 million Iraqis have as much right to live in freedom as we do. A free Iraq will stand as an [inspiration to terrorists] example to reformers across the Middle East. A free Iraq will show that America is on the side of Muslims who wish to live in peace, as we've already shown in Kuwait and Kosovo, Bosnia and Afghanistan. ["The peace of Bosnia and Afghanistan"? Holy crap! Is that really in the script? Man, even I don't believe that shit!] A free Iraq will confirm to a watching world that America's word, once given, can be relied upon even in the toughest times [Like when I promised AIDS money to Africa. Or to refrain from nation-building. Or to be humble].
Above all, the defeat of violence and terror in Iraq is vital to the defeat of violence and terror elsewhere, and vital, therefore, to the safety of the American people. [Attention American yokels: Howling zombie Moslems will eat your brains if you vote Democrat this year.]
2004.
Part 1.
Before I take your questions, let me [steal 17 or 18 minutes of prime time on the networks and news channels to campaign for myself]
This has been tough weeks in [my re-election campaign]
In the south of Iraq, coalition forces face riots and attacks that are being incited by a radical cleric named al-Sadr [or, as I like to pronounce it, "Saddam II"]. He has assembled some of his supporters into an illegal militia [hee hee - the guys at the NRA will love that one] and publicly supported the terrorists groups Hamas and Hezbollah [verbally. What the hell, anyone who actually knows how meaningless and universal that is in the Arab world isn't going to be voting for me anyway. Thank god for Diebold]. Al-Sadr's methods of violence and intimidation are widely repudiated by other Iraqi Shia. He's been indicted by Iraqi authorities for the murder of a prominent Shia cleric [see, he's just like Saddam! Really! Even though Saddam killed his father..whoops, I didn't say that out loud, did I? Whew.]. Although these instigations of violence come from different factions, they share common goals. They want to run us out of [Dodge]
The violence we have seen is a power grab by these extreme and ruthless elements [: Uncle Dick, Dad, and Hallburton]. It's not a civil war. It's not a popular uprising. [Well, except in the dictionary sense of the word. Memo to self: have that Webster guy shipped to Guantanamo.] Most of Iraq is relatively stable [tectonically, that is. Man, the red-staters would piss themselves if they knew I knew a five-syllable word!]. Most Iraqis, by far, reject violence and oppose dictatorship [although what they have against Chalabi I'll never know]. In forums where Iraqis have met to discuss their political future and in all the proceedings of the Iraqi Governing Council, Iraqis have expressed clear commitments [against my new chosen dictator]. They want strong protections for individual rights, they want their independence and they want their freedom. [When did those towel-heads get so uppity? Who gave them all those ideas about freedom? Everything's going wrong.]
America's commitment to freedom in Iraq is consistent with our ideals [snicker] and required by [my]
By helping to secure a free Iraq, Americans serving in that country are protecting [my political ass and Uncle Dick's profits]
America's armed forces are performing brilliantly, with all the skill and honor we expect of them [if they expect to get their $3.95 per hour, that is]. We're constantly reviewing their needs [They have needs?]. Troop strength now and in the future is determined by the situation on the ground. If additional forces are needed, I will send them [Just like I'll send anyone over there to die if it gives me the slightest possible political advantage. You can bet your ass on that!]. If additional resources are needed, we will provide them [by running up the biggest deficit in the known universe. Memo to self: the rich need more tax cuts].
The people of our country are united behind our men and women in uniform [God, I love that about them. Keep them scared, get some of their children shot and they'll line up like sheep to be sheared]. And this government will do all that is necessary to assure the success of their historic [oil-looting, vote-gaining] mission. One central commitment of that mission is the transfer of a sovereignty back to the Iraqi people ['cause that's one hot potato I'm gonna hand off as quick as I can]. We have set a deadline of [five months before the election]
America's objective in Iraq is limited and it is firm [Oil. All of it.]. We seek an independent, free and secure Iraq [snicker]. Were the coalition to step back from the June 30 pledge, many Iraqis would question our intentions and feel their hopes betrayed [as opposed to merely wanting to kill us]. And those in Iraq who [aren't directly sucking cash from the US teat]
Iraqi authorities are now confronting the security challenge of the last several weeks. [Our armed native thugs are looting and raping 24/7.] In Falluja, coalition forces have suspended offensive operations, allowing members of the Iraqi Governing Council and local leaders to work on the restoration of central authority in that city. [Translation: we're hunkering down and waiting for the shit to stop hitting the fan.] These leaders are communicating with the insurgents to ensure an orderly turnover of that city to Iraqi forces so that the resumption of military action does not become necessary. [Even I don't understand what that means.] They are also insisting that those who killed and mutilated four American contract workers be handed over for trial and punishment [or at least a quick bullet in the head. "Dead or Alive", I say, and dead can't try to say that they're innocent].
In addition, members of the Governing Council are seeking to resolve the situation in the south. Al-Sadr must answer the charges against him and disband his illegal militia. [HUSSEIN! HUSSEIN! HE'S JUST LIKE SADDAM HUSSEIN!!]
Our coalition is standing with [puppet-boy and his gang]
The transition to sovereignty also requires an atmosphere of security. And our coalition is working to provide that security. We will continue taking the greatest care to prevent [reporting on or counting] harm to innocent civilians [particularly towel-heads, 'cause really, who cares what happens to them?]. Yet we will not permit the spread of chaos and violence. [Dick says a little is good, but too much is bad for business.] I have directed our military commanders to make every preparation to use decisive force if necessary to [keep photographers away from Dover. They may shoot to kill, if necessary]
The nation of Iraq is moving toward self-rule. And Iraqis and Americans will see evidence in the months to come [in the form of lots and lots of casualties. That is, they would if only I would let them. Tee hee!]. On June 30 when the flag of free Iraq is raised, Iraqi officials will assume responsibility for the ministries of government specifically, the janitorial responsibilities]. On that day the transitional administrative law, including a bill of rights that is unprecedented in the Arab world [in that it will actually be written on the back of a bill from Halliburton and will contain no rights at all], will take full effect. The United States and all the nations of our coalition will establish normal diplomatic relations with the Iraqi government [in much the same way that I established normal "relations" (huh huh) with that 15-year-old Mexican hooker twenty years ago]. An American embassy will open and an American ambassador will be posted [I give him half a year, tops, before someone blows him away. Better appoint a Democrat. I'd send Joe Lieberman, but he's so much more valuable here].
According to the schedule already approved by the Governing Council, Iraq will hold elections for a national assembly [of warlords] no later than next January. That assembly will draft a new permanent constitution, which will be presented to the Iraqi people in a national referendum held in October of next year. [The referendum will be monitored by Katherine Harris and my good buddies at Diebold]. Iraqis will then elect a permanent government by Dec. 15, 2005, an event that will mark the completion of Iraq's transition from dictatorship to [new dictatorship]
Other nations and international institutions are stepping up to their responsibilities in building a free and secure Iraq. [Specifically, a tribe of seven guys and a monkey in East Buttplug. We promised them a shipload of bananas and a pair of shoes if they'd put the monkey in uniform and send him over to Iraq. And Don Rumsfeld is conducting promising negotiations with the Klingon Nation.] We're working closely with the United Nations envoy Lakhdar Brahimi and with Iraqis to determine the exact form of the government that will receive sovereignty on June 30 [two months is more than enough time to create a new government, after all]. The United Nations elections assistance team headed by Carina Pirelli is in Iraq developing plans for next January's election. NATO is providing support for the Polish-led multinational division in Iraq [and how many Poles does it take to screw a lightbulb, anyway? Heh.]. And 17 of NATO's 26 members are contributing forces to maintain security [at $200,000 in bribes per soldier. Man, those guys ain't cheap]. Secretary of State Powell and Secretary of State Rumsfeld and a number of NATO defense and foreign ministers are exploring a more formal role for NATO such as turning the Polish-led division into a NATO operation and giving NATO specific responsibilities for border control. [Or maybe just handing off all combat duties to NATO and getting our troops the hell out of there. But then I'd look weak. Can't have that! Wouldn't be prudent, as Dad would say.]
Iraqis' neighbors also have responsibilities to make their region more stable. So I'm sending Deputy Secretary of State Armitage to the Middle East to discuss with these nations our common interest in a free and independent Iraq and how they can help achieve this goal. [Hopefully somebody will blow his head off - that's what he's got coming to him after standing up for that traitor Dick Clarke.]
As we made clear all along, our commitment to the success and security of Iraq will not end on June 30 [After all, you can't end what you never started]. On July 1 and beyond, our [plundering]
The success of [our little spree]
Above all, the defeat of violence and terror in Iraq is vital to the defeat of violence and terror elsewhere, and vital, therefore, to the safety of the American people. [Attention American yokels: Howling zombie Moslems will eat your brains if you vote Democrat this year.]