bobquasit | Election Odds

PETER HANDICAPS THE ELECTION
FOR YOU

Candidate	Chance of Winning	Why?
George W. Bush (Dictator, R)	85%	A) Has 100x more money than all other candidates put together, thanks to grateful corporate contributors/beneficiaries. B) Can start another popularity-raising war whenever he wants, thanks to Democratic spinelessness. C) When you own the media and the voting machines, the word "election" takes on a whole new meaning.
Joeseph Lieberman (Senator, National Socialist Party)	-1,000%	A) A Republican who got confused and is running as a Democrat. Hates Democrats and all that they stand for, and isn't good at hiding that. B) Has all the wit, charm, and personality of an earwax & nose-drool pie. C) He's Jewish, and there are still too many damned bigot morons in the US.
Howard Dean (Governor, D)	10%	A) A better public speaker than many think. Politically flexible and clever, with wildly enthusiastic followers. B) The GOP media-machine is getting ready to whomp him like a bug. C) Weird neck, and sometimes looks like a deer in the headlights.
John Kerry (Senator, D)	5%	A) Still looking for lost soul. Last seen in 1982. B) From Massachusetts. Southerners HATE Massachusetts. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's something to do with JFK. C) Almost totally unable to make a stand based on conscience since losing his soul. Still unable to justify vote giving Bush Imperial war-making powers.
John Edwards (Senator, D)	3%	A) Made crucial error of neglecting campaigning for fundraising early in season. B) Charming and smooth, but not quite charming and smooth enough to not seem too charming and smooth - yet. C) A southerner, which means that the First Unwritten Amendment - the one which says that only Southerners can win the Presidency - is on his side. Maybe in eight years.
Dennis Kucinich (Congressman, D)	0.4%	A) Wide-eyed liberal. The media hates wide-eyed liberals. B) There's some kookiness there, yes.
Wesley Clark (General, D)	11%	A) A general, and a successful one at that. B) Very intelligent and very comfortable on TV. C) In some sense a Southerner (see Edwards section "C").
Al Sharpton (Reverend, D)	0.0%	A) The Right hates him. B) Intelligent and a good speaker. Willing to say things most of the other candidates won't say. C) Wierd hair, plus he's black - and sorry, folks, but the troglodytes of America are just not going to allow anyone who isn't melanin-impaired to become President.
Bob Graham (Senator, D)	0.9%	A) Knows some of the deep dark secrets of the Bush junta, but can't tell them. B) From the South (see Edwards, C). Former governor of Florida, which would make it slightly harder for BushCo to steal the election down there. So they'll do it somewhere else. C) Looks like a living fossil. So pale that he disappears in the noonday sun. Only slightly less old than Bob Dole.
Dick Gephardt (Congressman, D)	1%	A) A stalwart of the Democratic party. Politically extremely well-connected. B) Slow-moving, unable to react quickly or stir up much interest. C) Supported the Warleader Bush bill. Oops.
Carol Mosely-Braun (Senator, D)	0.0001%	A) Intelligent, articulate, very liberal and truthful. She's doomed. A) She's a woman. She's hasn't gone through menopause. She's black. All she needs is to be Jewish, a lesbian, and an atheist and the South would rise en masse.

Yeah, I know that the percentages don't add up to 100%. They're not supposed to.