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Another Modest Proposal: Detroit
(Perhaps I've done this sort of piece too many times before? Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
I've been reading a lot about the possible bailout of the Big Three automakers in Detroit. Some are arguing that instead, they should be allowed to go bankrupt; that this would allow themselves to be rid of excess employees and their obligation to fulfil the health care obligation that they have to their retirees.
It's funny how no columnist ever suggests that bankruptcy would be a good way for the automakers to save money on the insanely high salaries and golden parachutes provided to top auto executives. But I'm sure there's a good reason for that.
Mainstream pundits and economists generally agree that one of the biggest problems faced by the Big Three is the high cost of providing healthcare for their retirees. Those selfish old auto workers are ruining everything by living too long. Since they don't have the good manners to crawl off on an ice floe to die, it's time for the government to take a hand.
Why not issue licenses to hunt and kill retired auto workers? Price them high, of course, and a portion of the fee could go directly to the management of GM, Ford, and Chrysler. $10,000 per head would be a good starting point, and could help keep Detroit's fleet of private corporate jets proudly flying.
Or perhaps licenses could be sold at auction. Either way, this could be the solution to Detroit's fiscal crisis.
Now, you may be saying "You're insane! Those retirees are feeble and old. What sort of challenge would they make for a hunter? Where's the sport in it?". I scorn you. You fail to grasp the ramifications.
First, some of these old factory workers are pretty tough and wily. They survived decades of manual labor, after all; and not all of them have reached the "cull them from the herd" stage. Many a wealthy hunter could find himself surprised by the cunning and strength of an old assembly-line worker.
Second, the licenses could be written to restrict hunters to using only those weapons which were used at the time of the founding of the auto industry. There's not much excitement in blowing away a factory worker with a modern semi-automatic weapon, it's true. But with a flintlock or crossbow or whatever they used back in Henry Ford's day, it would be quite a different story. And imagine the exciting tales that executives could tell around their conference tables!*
Third, we can offer those old codgers survival training. This is a win-win; a good survival training program would make the retirees better prey (thereby increasing the value of the licenses), and the program itself would stimulate the economy. It can't hurt to put some unemployed young corporate trainers to work, educating retirees on how to hide their wastes and run (or hobble) for cover.
Fourth and lastly: for those retirees who are simply too feeble to be acceptable prey (or perhaps even to stand up), there would be a special category of license. This would be based on the beloved old carnival games of bygone days (hey! Like in Henry Ford's time! I detect a theme here...). I am thinking, of course, of those great old carnival shooting games. Put the retirees on conveyor belts, much like those which they worked on back in the old days, and run those belts back and forth behind counters. Children could buy licenses, say at $500 per shot, to practice their marksmanship. Prizes would be awarded based on the quality of the shot: a scale model of a Lexus in sterling silver for a good chest shot, for example, and perhaps a gold-plated toy BMW for a spectacular head shot. Fun for the whole executive family!
And if the program worked well, it could be extended to younger workers. If they knew that they could be selected for the hunt, workers would be much more likely to work much harder. And union negotiators would be much more likely to make concessions if they had the possibility of facing down a bullet instead of angry union members.
The program could even be extended to other industries, all across the nation. Eventually it could lead to actual over-hunting of the worker population, I imagine. In which case, a thoughtful program of immigration and population encouragement could offset any losses. Perhaps free Viagra could be mandatory for all union health plans - that would certainly do the trick!
* - I am assuming, of course, that the lion's share of licenses will be taken out by Detroit's top executives. If the current depressed state of the market makes the price of a license a hardship for them, perhaps the government could divert a few billion to a special entertainment fund for indigent executives. They've suffered far too much to be deprived of a little well-deserved recreation.
I've been reading a lot about the possible bailout of the Big Three automakers in Detroit. Some are arguing that instead, they should be allowed to go bankrupt; that this would allow themselves to be rid of excess employees and their obligation to fulfil the health care obligation that they have to their retirees.
It's funny how no columnist ever suggests that bankruptcy would be a good way for the automakers to save money on the insanely high salaries and golden parachutes provided to top auto executives. But I'm sure there's a good reason for that.
Mainstream pundits and economists generally agree that one of the biggest problems faced by the Big Three is the high cost of providing healthcare for their retirees. Those selfish old auto workers are ruining everything by living too long. Since they don't have the good manners to crawl off on an ice floe to die, it's time for the government to take a hand.
Why not issue licenses to hunt and kill retired auto workers? Price them high, of course, and a portion of the fee could go directly to the management of GM, Ford, and Chrysler. $10,000 per head would be a good starting point, and could help keep Detroit's fleet of private corporate jets proudly flying.
Or perhaps licenses could be sold at auction. Either way, this could be the solution to Detroit's fiscal crisis.
Now, you may be saying "You're insane! Those retirees are feeble and old. What sort of challenge would they make for a hunter? Where's the sport in it?". I scorn you. You fail to grasp the ramifications.
First, some of these old factory workers are pretty tough and wily. They survived decades of manual labor, after all; and not all of them have reached the "cull them from the herd" stage. Many a wealthy hunter could find himself surprised by the cunning and strength of an old assembly-line worker.
Second, the licenses could be written to restrict hunters to using only those weapons which were used at the time of the founding of the auto industry. There's not much excitement in blowing away a factory worker with a modern semi-automatic weapon, it's true. But with a flintlock or crossbow or whatever they used back in Henry Ford's day, it would be quite a different story. And imagine the exciting tales that executives could tell around their conference tables!*
Third, we can offer those old codgers survival training. This is a win-win; a good survival training program would make the retirees better prey (thereby increasing the value of the licenses), and the program itself would stimulate the economy. It can't hurt to put some unemployed young corporate trainers to work, educating retirees on how to hide their wastes and run (or hobble) for cover.
Fourth and lastly: for those retirees who are simply too feeble to be acceptable prey (or perhaps even to stand up), there would be a special category of license. This would be based on the beloved old carnival games of bygone days (hey! Like in Henry Ford's time! I detect a theme here...). I am thinking, of course, of those great old carnival shooting games. Put the retirees on conveyor belts, much like those which they worked on back in the old days, and run those belts back and forth behind counters. Children could buy licenses, say at $500 per shot, to practice their marksmanship. Prizes would be awarded based on the quality of the shot: a scale model of a Lexus in sterling silver for a good chest shot, for example, and perhaps a gold-plated toy BMW for a spectacular head shot. Fun for the whole executive family!
And if the program worked well, it could be extended to younger workers. If they knew that they could be selected for the hunt, workers would be much more likely to work much harder. And union negotiators would be much more likely to make concessions if they had the possibility of facing down a bullet instead of angry union members.
The program could even be extended to other industries, all across the nation. Eventually it could lead to actual over-hunting of the worker population, I imagine. In which case, a thoughtful program of immigration and population encouragement could offset any losses. Perhaps free Viagra could be mandatory for all union health plans - that would certainly do the trick!
* - I am assuming, of course, that the lion's share of licenses will be taken out by Detroit's top executives. If the current depressed state of the market makes the price of a license a hardship for them, perhaps the government could divert a few billion to a special entertainment fund for indigent executives. They've suffered far too much to be deprived of a little well-deserved recreation.