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Lobby in Hell
So we spent the weekend at Teri's father's place in Pennsylvania, on the banks of the Susquehanna River; he was having a big lobster and clam cookout.
One woman took a still-living lobster and brought it over to show to the kids. Some were interested, some were nervous. I couldn't help but work up a dialog for the lobster, but managed to keep it quiet at the time; Sebastian heard a bit of it, but that was all.
I gave him a Gilbert Gottfried voice.
As I was driving us home I got a bit stuck on that voice and scenario, so I did quite a bit more off the cuff ("It looked like a luxury hotel, but when I tried to get out the door was stuck. Then the fisherman came, pulled me out of the water, and put these damn rubber bands on my claws"). Eventually Teri and Sebastian lost it and loudly demanded that I stop, which hurt my feelings quite a lot.
One woman took a still-living lobster and brought it over to show to the kids. Some were interested, some were nervous. I couldn't help but work up a dialog for the lobster, but managed to keep it quiet at the time; Sebastian heard a bit of it, but that was all.
I gave him a Gilbert Gottfried voice.
"Hi kids, I'm Lobby the Lobster! I like you, and I want to be your pal. Every moment I spend outside of my cool salt-water home, being mauled by you kids is unbearable agony to me, but I want you to drag it out as long as possible. Why? Because when you're done breaking my left antennae in half, little girl, this nice lady is going to THROW ME IN THE BOILING WATER!!!.
Yes, the pain will be more intense than you can imagine. I'll be boiled to death in less than a minute, but that minute will seem like an eternity in a searing hell. Then some drunk guy will use a pair of big crackers to split open my claws. He'll break my back and pull out my insides. God, I hope I'm dead by then.
My mother would cry if she could see what a terrible fate awaits her loving son. She would cry, but Subway had a special on lobster salad sandwiches last month, and Mom made the supreme sacrifice: she was chopped into tiny chunks and sold at a bargain price in several one-foot subs. Eat fresh!
Do you not like my voice? Do you find it irritating? Does it not please you? Well, when I'm in the boiling water my voice will sound like this: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you. Please sample the buffet. I'll be on the third platter from the left."
As I was driving us home I got a bit stuck on that voice and scenario, so I did quite a bit more off the cuff ("It looked like a luxury hotel, but when I tried to get out the door was stuck. Then the fisherman came, pulled me out of the water, and put these damn rubber bands on my claws"). Eventually Teri and Sebastian lost it and loudly demanded that I stop, which hurt my feelings quite a lot.