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A Magical Solution to the Abortion Issue
Boy, is this offensive! I'd better put it behind a cut. If you have delicate sensibilities, don't read this!
The issue of abortion has troubled the people of the United States for decades. The level of fervor on all sides has been nothing short of monumental. Presidents have been made and lost over abortion. No matter what the courts decide, the losing side will never accept defeat - not until every one of them is dead.
Since each side includes a substantial portion of the US population, this is probably an insurmountable problem in waste disposal (although America's morticians may disagree with me). In any case, I've found a better solution.
Perhaps you've seen the recent stories about the "Pillow Angel", a little girl with severe developmental disabilities who was surgically modified to maintain her at a small, easily-handled size. Well, if doctors can work out a way to keep a little girl permanently immature, surely they can work out a way to stop the growth of a fetus? Once that minor technical hurdle has been overcome, America will gladly welcome "Pocket Faeries™"!
Pocket Faeries™ are the perfect solution to the abortion issue. Fetuses can be removed from their hosts with far less trauma than is caused by a full-term birth; embryos and zygotes are even easier to remove. Pocket-sized aquariums constructed of durable space-age polymers provide ample room for the little creatures to swim about, providing endless hours of amusement. Depending on the size of the fetus or embryo, the container might even be small enough to be a keychain, pendant, earring, or cell phone ornament.1
Designer cases for Pocket Faeries™ will make stunning fashion statements. The glitterati will show off cases accented in the finest gold and diamonds, designed by the biggest names in high fashion. Low-cost knockoffs using rhinestones instead of diamonds will be manufactured by the ton in China, ironically enough by slave children little bigger than the Pocket Faeries™ themselves.
Pocket Faeries™ will end another troubling trend, that of celebrity adoptions. Madonna and Angelina Jolie will finally be able to fulfill all their frustrated motherly ambitions. One phone call from their assistants, and they'll have thousands of Pocket Faeries™ delivered to their door. Not only will every room in their mansions be filled to the brim with Pocket Faeries™, but perhaps they could even have entire outfits constructed out of Pocket Faeries™.2
Those who worry about the environment will also welcome Pocket Faeries™. Fetuses and embryos consume far fewer resources than a full-sized human being; a few flakes a day of specially-formulated fish food is all they need. Pocket Faeries™ have a light footprint on the Earth, and they're carbon-neutral!
Concerned about overpopulation? Then Pocket Faeries™ are for you! They occupy far less space than an adult human being, use virtually no resources, satisfy the human urge for reproduction, and cannot reproduce themselves.
Since this infertility is entirely natural, even the Church is likely to welcome Pocket Faeries™ as a humane alternative to abortion and contraception. Finally, science and religion are in agreement!
What does the future hold for Pocket Faeries™? The mind boggles. Larger aquariums are inevitable, with entire schools of Pocket Faeries™. Custom furniture and little buildings for the little tykes to swim around. Toys for them to play with. Books on training them to do tricks - a whole line of "For Dummies™" books is possible!3
Perhaps Webkinz™ Pocket Faeries™? Aquariums with little speakers, so you can listen to them as well as watch? "The Pocket Faeries™ Whisperer" on TLC? Anything is possible!
1 - Cellular radiation may cause unanticipated mutation. The author is not responsible for mutations.
2 - Come to think of it, Madonna would be sure to feature a Pocket Faeries™ outfit in any number of videos!
3 - No "For Dummies™" endorsement of Pocket Faeries™ currently exists.
4 - There is no 4. I just needed a place to say that whenever I post under the image of the Llap-Goch Master, I get the sudden urge To WriTE USing capiTaL LETTERs In ranDOM ComBINaTIONS. :D
Yes, I'm bad today.
The issue of abortion has troubled the people of the United States for decades. The level of fervor on all sides has been nothing short of monumental. Presidents have been made and lost over abortion. No matter what the courts decide, the losing side will never accept defeat - not until every one of them is dead.
Since each side includes a substantial portion of the US population, this is probably an insurmountable problem in waste disposal (although America's morticians may disagree with me). In any case, I've found a better solution.
Perhaps you've seen the recent stories about the "Pillow Angel", a little girl with severe developmental disabilities who was surgically modified to maintain her at a small, easily-handled size. Well, if doctors can work out a way to keep a little girl permanently immature, surely they can work out a way to stop the growth of a fetus? Once that minor technical hurdle has been overcome, America will gladly welcome "Pocket Faeries™"!
Pocket Faeries™ are the perfect solution to the abortion issue. Fetuses can be removed from their hosts with far less trauma than is caused by a full-term birth; embryos and zygotes are even easier to remove. Pocket-sized aquariums constructed of durable space-age polymers provide ample room for the little creatures to swim about, providing endless hours of amusement. Depending on the size of the fetus or embryo, the container might even be small enough to be a keychain, pendant, earring, or cell phone ornament.1
Designer cases for Pocket Faeries™ will make stunning fashion statements. The glitterati will show off cases accented in the finest gold and diamonds, designed by the biggest names in high fashion. Low-cost knockoffs using rhinestones instead of diamonds will be manufactured by the ton in China, ironically enough by slave children little bigger than the Pocket Faeries™ themselves.
Pocket Faeries™ will end another troubling trend, that of celebrity adoptions. Madonna and Angelina Jolie will finally be able to fulfill all their frustrated motherly ambitions. One phone call from their assistants, and they'll have thousands of Pocket Faeries™ delivered to their door. Not only will every room in their mansions be filled to the brim with Pocket Faeries™, but perhaps they could even have entire outfits constructed out of Pocket Faeries™.2
Those who worry about the environment will also welcome Pocket Faeries™. Fetuses and embryos consume far fewer resources than a full-sized human being; a few flakes a day of specially-formulated fish food is all they need. Pocket Faeries™ have a light footprint on the Earth, and they're carbon-neutral!
Concerned about overpopulation? Then Pocket Faeries™ are for you! They occupy far less space than an adult human being, use virtually no resources, satisfy the human urge for reproduction, and cannot reproduce themselves.
Since this infertility is entirely natural, even the Church is likely to welcome Pocket Faeries™ as a humane alternative to abortion and contraception. Finally, science and religion are in agreement!
What does the future hold for Pocket Faeries™? The mind boggles. Larger aquariums are inevitable, with entire schools of Pocket Faeries™. Custom furniture and little buildings for the little tykes to swim around. Toys for them to play with. Books on training them to do tricks - a whole line of "For Dummies™" books is possible!3
Perhaps Webkinz™ Pocket Faeries™? Aquariums with little speakers, so you can listen to them as well as watch? "The Pocket Faeries™ Whisperer" on TLC? Anything is possible!
1 - Cellular radiation may cause unanticipated mutation. The author is not responsible for mutations.
2 - Come to think of it, Madonna would be sure to feature a Pocket Faeries™ outfit in any number of videos!
3 - No "For Dummies™" endorsement of Pocket Faeries™ currently exists.
4 - There is no 4. I just needed a place to say that whenever I post under the image of the Llap-Goch Master, I get the sudden urge To WriTE USing capiTaL LETTERs In ranDOM ComBINaTIONS. :D
Yes, I'm bad today.
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