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Askville Posts #7: Dating
[A 45 year old man whose wife recently died asked how to meet people. This was my answer:]
I am sorry for your loss.
It’s difficult to know how to answer your question without knowing more about you - and in particular, your dating style. How you met your wife, for example, and how you used to date. If you were comfortable in the bar scene, for example, my answer would be quite different than it would be if you were of a more shy and retiring nature - or if you just didn’t like bars, for that matter!
But if you were comfortable in the bar scene, I don’t think you’d have asked this question here. You’d already know what to do.
While I’m at it, I’ll include the obvious caveat: depending on how recently you lost your spouse, it may be too soon for you to begin dating again. But that’s for you to judge.
I have two different approaches for you. Either one should work well, and there’s certainly no reason that you couldn’t try both simultaneously.
1. Online Dating Services
Online dating services can be a great way to get back into dating. They allow you to get to know someone online before meeting them in person. The advantage to that is that you can narrow your criteria early in the process; since you normally list your interests and the sort of person you’re looking for, the women you meet online are more likely to match what you’re looking for.
You can also get to know a lot about a person before getting into the confusion of a dating situation. This lets you get to know them on an intellectual basis first, which can be a very positive thing; it lets you screen out people who just aren't a good match for you, mentally.
The drawback to online dating services is chemistry. There’s no real way to know before you actually meet a person - or at least talk to them on the phone - that you two share that indefinable sense of simpatico that makes a relationship "click". But at least if you’ve already corresponded online for a while, and share some of the same interests, you’ll know that the two of you will have something to talk about.
There are many cheap or free online services. But they can be divided into two basic categories: broad-spectrum services and narrow-interest services.
Broad-spectrum services are national or international, and welcome all sorts of people. They allow you to specify your interests and the type of person you’re looking for; they may have personality tests which they use to try to give you the most compatible matches. They also allow you to search for people within a certain distance of your home, of course. Match.com and eHarmony are two popular broad-spectrum services.
I used Match.com; that’s how I met my wife. That was in the early days of the web, and I understand that there have been some changes (for example, there’s now a monthly fee for Match.com), but the basic principles haven’t changed.
Narrow-interest services are smaller, and focus on some specific group. It might be Jewish singles, for example, or Star Trek fans, or people with a particular political or religious affiliation. Or, well, almost anything; you’d be surprised at how many such services there are. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there was a service for single Jewish Star Trek fans, for example.
To find a service that covers your area of interest, start by going to Google and searching for "[your interest] singles".
The advantage to these narrow-interest services is that you’ll only find people who share your own unique passion, ethnicity, or interest, so you're guaranteed to have something in common with anyone on that service. The drawback is that the membership of such services is much smaller than the broad-spectrum services, and there are likely to be fewer people who interest you within a reasonable distance.
Generally, I think you’re most likely to get the best results by joining two dating services; one broad-spectrum, and one narrow-interest.
A quick word about the dangers of dating people you’ve met online: some people lie. And there are some who are (not to put it too gently) crazy (neither type is restricted to the internet, of course). Never meet someone for the first time in a private place; always meet for coffee or lunch in a public place, and stay in public. Keep your cell phone with you at all times. Before you meet someone face-to-face, never give out more information than you are willing to see posted in public. Take sensible precautions, and you should be okay.
And now, on to the second major option:
2. Meetup and other social/learning situations
Sometimes searching for someone just doesn’t work. For whatever reason, you just can’t find the right person. In that case, I’d recommend getting into non-dating social situations. You could take an adult education class on some topic that interests you, for example.
You might not meet someone you want to date the first time, but there’s a good chance you'll make a friend or two - and by enlarging your social circle, you also increase your chances of meeting someone that you would like to date (and who wants to date you). Classes, volunteering, and hobby groups are all great ways to do this. Your library may also have some book clubs or writing groups, if those are among your interests.
Meetup is an astonishing tool for finding face-to-face meetings on virtually any subject of interest that you might like. For example, this week there are 209 upcoming meetups within 25 miles of your home town. These include meetings for topics such as roller skating, singles, wicca, karaoke, parents, entrepreneurs, meditation, ceramics, cooking, dancing, books, random acts of kindness (?), graphic design, secular humanism, art, vintage cars, metaphysics, atheists, vitamins, singing, travel, politics...and I’m not even half-way through the week.
It may take a little courage to try a meetup if you’re the shy type, but you can sign up for groups on the Meetup site and correspond with the members of that group by email before actually going to a meeting. And if one group doesn’t work out, there are 208 more groups to try - and counting!
There are other options, of course. Speed dating, for one. You may find speed dating events in your area by Googling for them (i.e. "speed dating" and [your home town]). There may also be matchmaking services available in your area, if you want to spend the money. These are very personalized; the matchmaker meets you and gets to know your interests, and then matches you up with someone that they feel might be compatible. It’s a new take on an old tradition. Again, Google would be the place to start looking.
As I mentioned before, I met my wife on an online service. We’ve been happily married for years, and have a wonderful little boy. So I’m living proof that online dating works.
Good luck!
I am sorry for your loss.
It’s difficult to know how to answer your question without knowing more about you - and in particular, your dating style. How you met your wife, for example, and how you used to date. If you were comfortable in the bar scene, for example, my answer would be quite different than it would be if you were of a more shy and retiring nature - or if you just didn’t like bars, for that matter!
But if you were comfortable in the bar scene, I don’t think you’d have asked this question here. You’d already know what to do.
While I’m at it, I’ll include the obvious caveat: depending on how recently you lost your spouse, it may be too soon for you to begin dating again. But that’s for you to judge.
I have two different approaches for you. Either one should work well, and there’s certainly no reason that you couldn’t try both simultaneously.
1. Online Dating Services
Online dating services can be a great way to get back into dating. They allow you to get to know someone online before meeting them in person. The advantage to that is that you can narrow your criteria early in the process; since you normally list your interests and the sort of person you’re looking for, the women you meet online are more likely to match what you’re looking for.
You can also get to know a lot about a person before getting into the confusion of a dating situation. This lets you get to know them on an intellectual basis first, which can be a very positive thing; it lets you screen out people who just aren't a good match for you, mentally.
The drawback to online dating services is chemistry. There’s no real way to know before you actually meet a person - or at least talk to them on the phone - that you two share that indefinable sense of simpatico that makes a relationship "click". But at least if you’ve already corresponded online for a while, and share some of the same interests, you’ll know that the two of you will have something to talk about.
There are many cheap or free online services. But they can be divided into two basic categories: broad-spectrum services and narrow-interest services.
Broad-spectrum services are national or international, and welcome all sorts of people. They allow you to specify your interests and the type of person you’re looking for; they may have personality tests which they use to try to give you the most compatible matches. They also allow you to search for people within a certain distance of your home, of course. Match.com and eHarmony are two popular broad-spectrum services.
I used Match.com; that’s how I met my wife. That was in the early days of the web, and I understand that there have been some changes (for example, there’s now a monthly fee for Match.com), but the basic principles haven’t changed.
Narrow-interest services are smaller, and focus on some specific group. It might be Jewish singles, for example, or Star Trek fans, or people with a particular political or religious affiliation. Or, well, almost anything; you’d be surprised at how many such services there are. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there was a service for single Jewish Star Trek fans, for example.
To find a service that covers your area of interest, start by going to Google and searching for "[your interest] singles".
The advantage to these narrow-interest services is that you’ll only find people who share your own unique passion, ethnicity, or interest, so you're guaranteed to have something in common with anyone on that service. The drawback is that the membership of such services is much smaller than the broad-spectrum services, and there are likely to be fewer people who interest you within a reasonable distance.
Generally, I think you’re most likely to get the best results by joining two dating services; one broad-spectrum, and one narrow-interest.
A quick word about the dangers of dating people you’ve met online: some people lie. And there are some who are (not to put it too gently) crazy (neither type is restricted to the internet, of course). Never meet someone for the first time in a private place; always meet for coffee or lunch in a public place, and stay in public. Keep your cell phone with you at all times. Before you meet someone face-to-face, never give out more information than you are willing to see posted in public. Take sensible precautions, and you should be okay.
And now, on to the second major option:
2. Meetup and other social/learning situations
Sometimes searching for someone just doesn’t work. For whatever reason, you just can’t find the right person. In that case, I’d recommend getting into non-dating social situations. You could take an adult education class on some topic that interests you, for example.
You might not meet someone you want to date the first time, but there’s a good chance you'll make a friend or two - and by enlarging your social circle, you also increase your chances of meeting someone that you would like to date (and who wants to date you). Classes, volunteering, and hobby groups are all great ways to do this. Your library may also have some book clubs or writing groups, if those are among your interests.
Meetup is an astonishing tool for finding face-to-face meetings on virtually any subject of interest that you might like. For example, this week there are 209 upcoming meetups within 25 miles of your home town. These include meetings for topics such as roller skating, singles, wicca, karaoke, parents, entrepreneurs, meditation, ceramics, cooking, dancing, books, random acts of kindness (?), graphic design, secular humanism, art, vintage cars, metaphysics, atheists, vitamins, singing, travel, politics...and I’m not even half-way through the week.
It may take a little courage to try a meetup if you’re the shy type, but you can sign up for groups on the Meetup site and correspond with the members of that group by email before actually going to a meeting. And if one group doesn’t work out, there are 208 more groups to try - and counting!
There are other options, of course. Speed dating, for one. You may find speed dating events in your area by Googling for them (i.e. "speed dating" and [your home town]). There may also be matchmaking services available in your area, if you want to spend the money. These are very personalized; the matchmaker meets you and gets to know your interests, and then matches you up with someone that they feel might be compatible. It’s a new take on an old tradition. Again, Google would be the place to start looking.
As I mentioned before, I met my wife on an online service. We’ve been happily married for years, and have a wonderful little boy. So I’m living proof that online dating works.
Good luck!