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Where I've Been
For the past month something has been hanging over my head that was so terrible, so terrifying, that I couldn't bring myself to write even a single word about it here. I could hardly talk to my friends and family about it, either. It was as if talking about it would make it real.
It's been...memorable. When I haven't had simultaneous sweats and chills, I've had the shakes. I had more sleepless nights in the last month than in any previous year. Day and night, I felt as if every ounce of strength had been sucked out of my system. And all of my thoughts were focused on a single moment on April 26th.
It's a phobia, of course. I've had it for most of my life, I guess. And you'll probably laugh at me when I say what it is, unless you have it too: a fear of dentistry.
It goes way back for me; I still remember as clear as day a night before Christmas when I was up literally all night, not in excitement at the prospect of presents, but in an agony of terror because I had a pain in a tooth. I was perhaps eleven years old.
So for large spans of time I avoided the dentist. I brushed fairly often, mind you, and even flossed once in a while; and fortunately I seem to have great genes (fluoride doubtless deserves some credit as well). But there was a gap of about ten years after college when I never saw a dentist at all.
It couldn't last, of course. Eventually I got a huge hole in a back tooth, and while it didn't actually hurt much there was no way I could deny that there was a serious problem. So I went to a dentist in Brookline that a co-worker recommended. I had ten cavities, it turned out, a couple of them pretty large. Somehow I managed to get through having them all filled, but I couldn't possibly tell you how. Unfortunately that dentist was a large, scary, angry man, with a very threatening style, so after the work was done I only went back for one or two cleanings before I dropped out again.
But I knew I had a phobia, and it haunted me. Any pain at all in my teeth would plunge me into a state of paralyzed horror, and since I tend to have sinus headaches and have huge sinuses, I had a lot of pains in my teeth. Finally I ran across an article about a therapist who treated dental phobia, and I went for a number of sessions.
He helped a lot, but unfortunately I didn't stick with it. This is running very long, so I'll shorten it a bit: once again I dropped out. It was only when I was about 35 years old that I started seeing a dentist again, and that only because of Teri. She took me to see her dentist, and it was there that I was finally introduced to the wonders of nitrous oxide.
Why the hell isn't that more common? Nitrous was magic for me. What can I say? It took away the fear, and if you've never experience a full-blown phobia you probably don't know what that means.
When I started seeing Teri's dentist I had a few cavities that needed to be filled, and after that I went for twice-yearly cleanings. For the past several cleanings I've actually gone without nitrous; my fear had decreased that much. But at my regular cleaning last month I had an unpleasant surprise. A filling in a bicuspid had cracked, and underneath it was heavily decayed. It hadn't quite reached the pulp, but it was awfully close. I needed to have the old filling pulled and a new one put in, but there was a good chance that I could be looking at a root canal.
You probably can't imagine what the words "root canal" do to me.
It had been so long since my last cavity...all the progress I'd made vanished instantly. Terror utterly overcame me. I was scheduled for April 26th, a month away, and I knew that there was no way I could survive.
But I did. I practiced deep relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques; I could have asked for a valium prescription, but I'm reluctant to take drugs if I can avoid it.
During that month I discovered that fear lives, at least partly, in my stomach. Every time I found myself starting to panic, I noticed that my stomach had tensed up. Deliberately relaxing it, breathing deep, often helped a lot. I don't think I could have made it without the breathing techniques. It was still incredibly hard, though.
Finally the day came, and I had a bit of a surprise: the appointment was moved from 5:30 PM to 1:30. So I took a maximum dose of tylenol 75 minutes before the appointment and drive myself over at the appointed time. They took me right in; I told them right up front that I was extremely nervous, so they gave me nitrous quickly.
I'd been worried that the gas might make me nauseous; I'd had one bad experience with that a couple of years before, which was one reason why I'd stopped having nitrous for cleanings. I should also mention that when the phobia hits, my gag reflex kicks into hyperdrive - almost anything in my mouth starts me up.
This time, my stomach was fine. Maybe that was because I'd eaten very little apart from a light breakfast, but had had plenty of juice to keep my blood sugar steady. The Novocain needle into my mouth was almost imperceptible, and...well, I've given up on the idea of making this sort, obviously, but the end of it all is that it went fine. No real pain, and no root canal needed. It's possible for that tooth some day, because there wasn't a lot of tooth left between the new filling and the pulp, but right now things seem fine. And the dentist promised that if it did come to a root canal, it would be no worse than the filling procedure.
And so I drove home and saw my wife and son.
I'm writing this for myself in the future: a long note to remind myself that it really isn't that bad. The fear was by far the worst part.
I need to remember that.
It's been...memorable. When I haven't had simultaneous sweats and chills, I've had the shakes. I had more sleepless nights in the last month than in any previous year. Day and night, I felt as if every ounce of strength had been sucked out of my system. And all of my thoughts were focused on a single moment on April 26th.
It's a phobia, of course. I've had it for most of my life, I guess. And you'll probably laugh at me when I say what it is, unless you have it too: a fear of dentistry.
It goes way back for me; I still remember as clear as day a night before Christmas when I was up literally all night, not in excitement at the prospect of presents, but in an agony of terror because I had a pain in a tooth. I was perhaps eleven years old.
So for large spans of time I avoided the dentist. I brushed fairly often, mind you, and even flossed once in a while; and fortunately I seem to have great genes (fluoride doubtless deserves some credit as well). But there was a gap of about ten years after college when I never saw a dentist at all.
It couldn't last, of course. Eventually I got a huge hole in a back tooth, and while it didn't actually hurt much there was no way I could deny that there was a serious problem. So I went to a dentist in Brookline that a co-worker recommended. I had ten cavities, it turned out, a couple of them pretty large. Somehow I managed to get through having them all filled, but I couldn't possibly tell you how. Unfortunately that dentist was a large, scary, angry man, with a very threatening style, so after the work was done I only went back for one or two cleanings before I dropped out again.
But I knew I had a phobia, and it haunted me. Any pain at all in my teeth would plunge me into a state of paralyzed horror, and since I tend to have sinus headaches and have huge sinuses, I had a lot of pains in my teeth. Finally I ran across an article about a therapist who treated dental phobia, and I went for a number of sessions.
He helped a lot, but unfortunately I didn't stick with it. This is running very long, so I'll shorten it a bit: once again I dropped out. It was only when I was about 35 years old that I started seeing a dentist again, and that only because of Teri. She took me to see her dentist, and it was there that I was finally introduced to the wonders of nitrous oxide.
Why the hell isn't that more common? Nitrous was magic for me. What can I say? It took away the fear, and if you've never experience a full-blown phobia you probably don't know what that means.
When I started seeing Teri's dentist I had a few cavities that needed to be filled, and after that I went for twice-yearly cleanings. For the past several cleanings I've actually gone without nitrous; my fear had decreased that much. But at my regular cleaning last month I had an unpleasant surprise. A filling in a bicuspid had cracked, and underneath it was heavily decayed. It hadn't quite reached the pulp, but it was awfully close. I needed to have the old filling pulled and a new one put in, but there was a good chance that I could be looking at a root canal.
You probably can't imagine what the words "root canal" do to me.
It had been so long since my last cavity...all the progress I'd made vanished instantly. Terror utterly overcame me. I was scheduled for April 26th, a month away, and I knew that there was no way I could survive.
But I did. I practiced deep relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques; I could have asked for a valium prescription, but I'm reluctant to take drugs if I can avoid it.
During that month I discovered that fear lives, at least partly, in my stomach. Every time I found myself starting to panic, I noticed that my stomach had tensed up. Deliberately relaxing it, breathing deep, often helped a lot. I don't think I could have made it without the breathing techniques. It was still incredibly hard, though.
Finally the day came, and I had a bit of a surprise: the appointment was moved from 5:30 PM to 1:30. So I took a maximum dose of tylenol 75 minutes before the appointment and drive myself over at the appointed time. They took me right in; I told them right up front that I was extremely nervous, so they gave me nitrous quickly.
I'd been worried that the gas might make me nauseous; I'd had one bad experience with that a couple of years before, which was one reason why I'd stopped having nitrous for cleanings. I should also mention that when the phobia hits, my gag reflex kicks into hyperdrive - almost anything in my mouth starts me up.
This time, my stomach was fine. Maybe that was because I'd eaten very little apart from a light breakfast, but had had plenty of juice to keep my blood sugar steady. The Novocain needle into my mouth was almost imperceptible, and...well, I've given up on the idea of making this sort, obviously, but the end of it all is that it went fine. No real pain, and no root canal needed. It's possible for that tooth some day, because there wasn't a lot of tooth left between the new filling and the pulp, but right now things seem fine. And the dentist promised that if it did come to a root canal, it would be no worse than the filling procedure.
And so I drove home and saw my wife and son.
I'm writing this for myself in the future: a long note to remind myself that it really isn't that bad. The fear was by far the worst part.
I need to remember that.
no subject
Fortunately, I'll have the insurance soon, but the phobia lives on so that I may not have the courage to use it like I should.
no subject
But self-hypnosis and relaxation techniques help a lot too. If I can manage to survive it, I think...I hope you can get through it as well.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2004-04-27 01:51 pm (UTC)(link)no subject
(Anonymous) 2004-04-27 01:52 pm (UTC)(link)