LOTR Review

[I wrote this long ago. Some people thought I was serious. Sigh...]

Who is this "J.R.R. Tolkien" (what a fake-sounding name!) person, and who did he blow to get the novelization contracts for Peter Jackson's magnificent Lord of the Rings movies? Couldn't they have gotten a decent writer to write the novelizations?

The Tolkien guy got so many things wrong that I can hardly keep track of them all. Who is "Glorfindel", and why does he take so many of Arwen's best lines? Speaking of Arwen, why is there nothing in the books about her having lips the size of bicycle tires? Why did he leave out Aragorn having given up the throne in the beginning? Doesn't Tolkien understand that Aragorn had to be a quitter and then be given a chance to redeem himself? It's totally unrealistic for anyone to be good from the start and stay that way - that's no way to make a character interesting!

What about Aragorn's wild wolf ride? Or Legolas' shield-surfing? Those classic moments will be the basis of theme-park rides some day, but when children look in the books to find it, it won't be there! Plus the books really aren't written to the appropriate age-level anyway. Everyone knows that novelizations should be aimed at the at most profitable age-group of the movie audience, in this case teens. That idiot Tolkien doesn't seem to understand that at all.

And the Elves coming to save the day at the battle of Helm's Deep are totally missing - ANOTHER screw-up by Tolkien! Didn't he have a copy of the scripts to work from?

Why did he change Faramir's character to be the exact OPPOSITE of the way he was in the movie? He's supposed to be tempted and try to take the Ring for his father, NOT to help Frodo from the beginning! Tolkien quoted Faramir's line to give it the precise opposite meaning of what Jackson intended when he wrote and filmed it. That's unforgivable! Tolkien's Faramir is completely unbelievable, with all that ridiculous "honor".

The Ents - Tolkien got that wrong in so many ways, too. They didn't march against Saruman because he destroyed the trees that they loves, they had to be TRICKED into it by the hobbits. And the Ents didn't divert a river; they just smashed a dam that Saruman had stupidly forgotten about. See, Jackson's original, brilliant vision makes the point that you should never build your stronghold in a place where it can obviously be wiped out by smashing a dam, while that incompetent Tolkien seems to have been trying to preach some stupid message about abusing nature.

Who is "Radagast the Brown"? Who is that ridiculous character Tom Bombadil, and why is Tolkien shoehorning him into Jackson's The Lord of the Rings? Someone should really have gone over the books before they were published and removed all the stupid, unnecessary characters that Tolkien added. Maybe Peter Jackson will do us all the great favor of removing them from future editions.

And where are all the Gimli jokes? Doesn't Tolkien understand that dwarves are supposed to be FUNNY? Dwarf-tossing is KEY to the character of Gimli! Legolas should have been written hunkier, too.

Tolkien's ridiculous ideas of morality are all wrong, as well. Who told Tolkien that he had the right to change Jackson's characters? People never do the right thing just because it's right; they must always start by doing wrong, and then be tricked into doing the right thing or realize that they made a mistake and seek redemption.

And what was with that stupid after-the end bit, with the hobbits returning to the Shire and finding Saruman? WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! That's not in the movies.

The final straw is Tolkien going all crazy with the Appendices. All I can say is, this guy has some nerve, thinking he can change and expand on Peter Jackson's brilliant words. I suppose no-talent hacks like Tolkien deserve to make a living too,but not by sullying Jackson's brilliant dialog and plots.

Every copy of these hack no-talent novelizations should be recalled and burned, and replaced by some GOOD novelizations. I just hope that they get someone talented to do the new novelization - maybe Jackson would be willing to do it himself.