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The future of the Republican Party
Nov. 7th, 2008 08:56 amSomeone over on Askville asked about the future of the Republican Party.
Let's see...what could the Republican Party fissure into?
They could end up splitting into different parties:
1. The Jesustarians. Based on the Christian Dominionist movement (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominionism) and Joel's Army (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joel%27s_Army). Advocate forcing their brand of extreme Christianity on non-believers by force. Issues include the death by stoning of all nonbelievers and those of other faiths who refuse to convert, as well as those who fail to respect their parents, gays, bisexuals, those who fail to keep the Sabbath, adulterers, and those who have premarital sex - among others. They already have a number of followers, including many officials in the White House. Governor Palin would be the natural leader of this party, since she's already associated with Joel's Army. Oddly enough, all of this is true; you can't satirize the Jesustarians, because the Dominionist movement and Joel's Army are real. I'm not kidding.
2. The "Screw everybody else, I've got mine" Party, formerly known as the Libertarians. Advocate the elimination of ALL laws, including drug, traffic, and gun laws. They hope to make a fortune selling tickets to the ensuing bloodbath.
3. The Stupid Party. This would probably be the largest splinter party. It would consist of all the idiots who don't pay attention to politics, who thought that Saddam was responsible for 9/11, and who pee themselves when the word "socialist" is mentioned even though they have no clue what socialism is. Its main issue is to stay home, watch FOX News, drink cheap beer, get fat(ter), and die.
4. The Super-Rich Party. While numerically the smallest party, this would have thousands (perhaps millions) of times more money than all the other splinter parties combined. It would consist of obscenely wealthy right-wing billionaires like Rupert Murdoch and creepy cult leader (and long-time Bush family friend) the "Reverend" Sun Myung Moon. Their primary issues would be to amend the Constitution to keep all non-billionaires from owning property or touching money with their "dirty, dirty fingers", to reinstate the droit de seigneur (look it up), and the right to convert any non-billionaire into dog food to feed their pampered hounds. The Stupid Party will frequently ally itself with the Super-Rich Party (when they have the energy to get off the couch), ironically agitating for their own deaths without being aware of it.
Let's see...what could the Republican Party fissure into?
They could end up splitting into different parties:
1. The Jesustarians. Based on the Christian Dominionist movement (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominionism) and Joel's Army (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joel%27s_Army). Advocate forcing their brand of extreme Christianity on non-believers by force. Issues include the death by stoning of all nonbelievers and those of other faiths who refuse to convert, as well as those who fail to respect their parents, gays, bisexuals, those who fail to keep the Sabbath, adulterers, and those who have premarital sex - among others. They already have a number of followers, including many officials in the White House. Governor Palin would be the natural leader of this party, since she's already associated with Joel's Army. Oddly enough, all of this is true; you can't satirize the Jesustarians, because the Dominionist movement and Joel's Army are real. I'm not kidding.
2. The "Screw everybody else, I've got mine" Party, formerly known as the Libertarians. Advocate the elimination of ALL laws, including drug, traffic, and gun laws. They hope to make a fortune selling tickets to the ensuing bloodbath.
3. The Stupid Party. This would probably be the largest splinter party. It would consist of all the idiots who don't pay attention to politics, who thought that Saddam was responsible for 9/11, and who pee themselves when the word "socialist" is mentioned even though they have no clue what socialism is. Its main issue is to stay home, watch FOX News, drink cheap beer, get fat(ter), and die.
4. The Super-Rich Party. While numerically the smallest party, this would have thousands (perhaps millions) of times more money than all the other splinter parties combined. It would consist of obscenely wealthy right-wing billionaires like Rupert Murdoch and creepy cult leader (and long-time Bush family friend) the "Reverend" Sun Myung Moon. Their primary issues would be to amend the Constitution to keep all non-billionaires from owning property or touching money with their "dirty, dirty fingers", to reinstate the droit de seigneur (look it up), and the right to convert any non-billionaire into dog food to feed their pampered hounds. The Stupid Party will frequently ally itself with the Super-Rich Party (when they have the energy to get off the couch), ironically agitating for their own deaths without being aware of it.
