The Diary of A Simple Man

We made these videos a few weeks ago, before he caught pneumonia. On the plus side, the antibiotic IV he got in the hospital cleared up that lip infection, too.

It's probably obvious that these were totally unscripted?

We're coming along nicely on The Return of the King, now. Merry is about to meet Dernhelm soon. Just for the record, he hasn't seen the movies at all - thank goodness!

A question was asked on Askville today:

"why does my dell laptop not recognize my 4gb integral flash drive"

My answer:

Because they haven't been properly introduced.

You need to set up a formal dinner or cocktail party - RSVP, of course - and invite both of them to come. During the evening, escort the flash drive over to the laptop and say "Mr. Laptop, may I introduce Miss Flash Drive? Miss Flash Drive, may I introduce Mr. Laptop? I think you two have a lot in common."

Then discretely slip away to give them a chance to get better acquainted.

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Come to think of it, I may have confused the genders. Yes, my mistake; considering who plugs in to whom, it would be Mr. Flash Drive and Miss Laptop. Sorry for the error!

(Yes, I'm very bored this morning. :D )

For some reason, the word "miscegenation" always makes me chuckle.

One of the most common questions on Askville (and I'll spare you the poor spelling and/or textspeak) is "I had unprotected sex and my period is late. Could I be pregnant?"

I couldn't resist answering one guy (in the discussion board) who asked if his girlfriend could be pregnant:

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Yes, she's pregnant. It's triplets, two boys and one girl. All three have brown eyes; one of the boys will grow to 6'2", and the other will be exactly 6 feet tall. The girl will be 5'7", and left-handed. Her favorite flavor of ice cream will be rocky road, while the boys will both prefer chocolate.

...

Look, we don't know. We CAN'T know. Have her take a test or see her OB/GYN.

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And now I'm struggling not to post a question of my own:

I had sex and didn't use birth control. I haven't had my period...ever. Could I be pregnant?

P.S. I am male.

My silliness this morning is spilling out of the political arena. In response to a question about what physical and emotional qualities men like in a woman, I wrote this:

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As everyone else has already pointed out, not all guys are the same. Personally, though, I have to say that a good smile will always grab my attention. As will a friendly, cheerful disposition.

And of course she has to have a good rack.

KIDDING! Jeeze, I'm in a really silly mood today. That's not like me at all (the "rack" thing, not the silliness).

Seriously, as far as physical stuff goes, different guys like different things. Since all sexual attraction is ultimately based on the possibility of reproduction, good health in general is always attractive.

Someone on Askville asked if Joe Sixpack and Joe the Plumber were the same person. I couldn't resist:

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Joe Sixpack is Jane Winebox's husband (she kept her maiden name). To Jane's shock, she eventually discovered that Joe Sixpack was having an affair with Joe the Plumber. So she shot them both, and took off on a cross-country road trip to find herself. On the way she picked up Jane Q. Public, a soccer mom who had recently gotten amnesia from being hit in the head with a flying cliche at a NASCAR rally.

They were relentlessly pursued by Sheriff John Law. After an exciting chase across flyover country in the heartland of the homeland, they all plunged into the Grand Canyon and died. Politicians everywhere came to their funeral. Tears flowed like rain...or rather, like wine and beer.

The End.

Someone over on Askville asked a question today; it was for someone to basically write their homework for them, a book review of The Hobbit. Some users castigated the poor questioner, but I couldn't resist helping her. Here was my answer (quotes from her question are in boldface):

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1) Give a summary of the plot.

The Hobbit is the story of a pocket-sized monster who is the friend of a boy named Ash. Together they roam the land, fighting other hobbits - who are also called hobémon - to see who is the best.

Evil Team Rocket shows up and causes all sorts of trouble, but the brave little hobbit defeats them by evolving into a new more powerful form and gnawing their heads off. Everyone lives happily ever after, except for Team Rocket, because they're dead.

The End.

2) What did the book make you think about?

Lime jello, for some reason. I really couldn't say why.

3) Discuss any overriding themes.

There are three great themes in The Hobbit:

"With great power comes great responsibility."

"Spread 'em. Take a deep breath. Cough."

"Do your own homework, or you'll end up wasting your life making silly comments on Askville."

4) Why you liked or did not like about the book.

I like it because it's just the right thickness to fit under the short leg on my bed. So now I can sleep straight again.

That should be all the info you need. Good luck! Wow, I'll bet you'll get a great grade.

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Ironically enough, my answer to question #4 was itself pretty much a straight-out steal from the wonderfully funny The Portmanteau Book.

Hey! It's 08/08/08 today! For once, the US and Europe are synchronized, date-wise!

Am I the only person here who had never heard of the G-Shot?

I just read an article about how the comedienne Margaret Cho had it done. Apparently it involves getting a needle full of collagen injected under the G-spot. It's supposed to make sex better, although apparently so far it hasn't worked that way for Cho.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I now have an extreme sense of sympathetic discomfort in my G-spot. Okay, yes, I know that as a man I don't have a G-spot. And to be honest, I'm not really all that clear about exactly where the G-spot is. That's unfortunate, because the sense of extreme sympathetic discomfort is sort of floating around amongst all the possible areas.

Gack. The things people DO to themselves! Between this and anal bleaching, I don't know whether to laugh or clutch myself in horror.

Did you know that if you squeeze a cat rythmically while it's purring, you can increase the volume of the purrs considerably?

Not too hard, of course, or the purrs will stop.